I have an image in my mind of a ‘Spitting Image’ style scene at the ballroom at Buckingham Palace where Andrew is brooding, head in hand in full royal attire, medals, sword an’ all while sitting on a throne-like chair.
His former wife, the ex-Royal Duchess, Sarah Ferguson, is wearing a ballgown with a sash, standing there with a relaxing glass of Champagne for him and a concerned look on her face.
"Darling, you know you are the best. You are the cleverest, the most handsome and you are single-handedly saving the reputation of the Queen with your work with Pitch at the Palace.
"I think you deserve the BBC to dedicate a special on all your hard work and you should definitely do the interview with that nice Emily Maitlis. Don’t worry about anything else they may bring up, because you are smart enough to make the BBC realise how innocent you are in all this. After all, we always have Pizza Express to fall back on."
His two princess daughters in their favourite fascinators are also in the room and Beatrice adds: "Oh yes Papa, you are so clever you will come out of this brilliantly."
"After all Paps, you are entitled to total respect and subservience from the media. You are the second son of the Queen," chimes in Eugenie.
"Oh yes you are," sing all three.
And so this pantomime goes on. Scenes of phone calls with Mumsy follow, telling her how he has this unfair situation with the nasty BBC under control; his core staff telling him how brilliant he is and how he will such kudos from the media and the country, when he talks about the great work he is doing. And his family endlessly repeating how wonderful he is.
But enough is enough of my frustration as a panto writer, so let me revert to my views on what has been the worst PR disaster for the Royal Family since the abdication of the Duke of Windsor for his love of an American divorcee with a worrying reputation.
I don’t believe I need to repeat all the arrogant nonsense touted by Prince Andrew during his interview with the brilliant Emily, mostly due to his total lack of awareness on how the modern world works. We have read all the nonsense over the last few days in the papers. Or his lack of apology and remorse towards all the young women who were abused so horribly by Jeffrey Epstein.
But there is one very important point that seems to have been missed in the various accounts I have read on printed and social media.
What no-one seems to have emphasised is how he explained his relationship with Epstein as OK as it was Ghislaine Maxell who was his friend, and the pervert, her so-called boyfriend, was her ‘plus one’.
The fact is, what on earth was he doing being friendly with Ghislaine Maxwell in the first place, in his own words, since she was at university. Ghilaine Maxwell is hardly someone with a good reputation.
The favourite child of her media monster father, Robert, she has always veered towards the shadowy side, with a very dodgy reputation before and after her father died in such dubious circumstances.
Was she ever someone that the Queen’s son should be hanging out with, never mind her being the excuse for him staying at the various homes of a convicted paedophile in order to ‘network’ with important people.
I actually love the Royal Family and having worked with Princess Anne over the years, as well as having met Prince Charles and others, found them intelligent, hardworking and well-intended with great sense of humours.
However, there is nothing funny about this situation. Andrew has always been the ‘arrogant twat in the wood pile’ and should have been put out to dry years ago. He is bumptious, pompous, not very bright, greedy and grand.
Time to put him out to pasture and let the hardworking, smart Royals get on with their jobs without any further embarrassment.
Lynne Franks was a doyenne of PR in the 80s and 90s and ran her agency Lynne Franks PR for decades.