Hmm... OK. So the bag didn't make it. But, the shuttle I'd reserved to meet me at Manchester airport did. Not only did I have my own shuttle van since I was the only customer of the night, the van came equipped with a cooler filled with beer, soda, and wine. So I chugged a mini-bottle of merlot as we made our way (45 minutes!) to the Sheraton.
Then, while checking in, I mentioned my winding path to Portsmouth and my delayed bag, and the folks at the Sheraton tossed me a one-bedroom suite, bigger than my Manhattan apartment and equipped with a fireplace, a balcony, and a dishwasher, at no extra charge. It's likely that the room would've stayed empty and it was no skin off their nose to let me crash there for a night. But that's even more to the point - where it didn't hurt them to do something nice for a customer who'd had a hard day? I stayed warm in front of the fireplace until my pajamas showed up at the hotel at 3am.