PRIVATE VIEW: Martin Galton, a creative partner at Hooper Galton

I don't know about you, but every time I pick up a pen to write an ad I have Bill Hicks ringing in my ears. His words may be a tad harsh but, sadly, most of the ads on telly these days suggest he may well have had a point. Let's have a look at this week's selection and see how much bile and garbage there really is sloshing about.

Let's start with three executions, as it were, for Utterly Butterly. In one, a woman discovers an empty tub of Utterly Butterly in her fridge.

She's so desperate that she scrapes the bottom of the tub with what looks like a cotton bud and deposits the residue on to a cracker. The endline tells us she's "utterly determined". Other endlines in the series read "utterly tempted" and "utterly impolite".

All right if you like strategic comedy, but I feel sure Bill would urge all concerned to quietly do the decent thing. My condolences to the friends and relations.

Next, something new from Kit Kat. A Lock Stock actor so edgy that he is playing pool by himself, explains how Isaac Newton nearly drove himself bonkers trying to be brilliant. His greatest discovery, however, came while sitting under an apple tree with his feet up, thus proving that it's good to have a break. It lacks the warmth and charm I normally associate with Kit Kat (it's suspiciously Barclays-ish), but those responsible might just get away with a minor self-amputation.

Cherokee clothing from Tesco is something I know about. The dear lady wife buys it for me all the time. The fashionistas who hang around our office think it must be massively expensive, because they don't recognise the brand, but trust me, this stuff is cheap - you can still smell the sweat from the sweatshops. Anyway, it's hard doing fashion and price but Tesco does it rather well here. Shot on Camber Sands, where all the beautiful people go to play frisbee dressed in their Cherokee clothing, real-life starbursts suddenly appear out of nowhere to reveal how inexpensive the clothes are. I can't see how Bill could object to this one, so maybe just a Chinese burn would suffice.

BT has covered the whole world in Post-It notes to try and get me to remember their sodding directory enquiries number. It's unmissable, true, but a case of too much, too late. I'm already emotionally committed to those skinny runners.

Apparently, all the scallies at the Creamfields festival were wearing 118 vests last week - and not a 500 in sight. I can't help thinking that Bill would insist on something long and painful here, like being sent to a room and forced to watch the 60-second version over and over again.

On the print front, there's a poster from United Airlines with a gag about how crap the Brits are at tennis. How rude. Time to reach for the arsenic I'm afraid.

There are 34 posters from Mercedes which can be seen along the travelator at Waterloo station. The travelator isn't working at the moment, which is just as well as you'll need a bit of time to work out what the campaign's about. They look nice though, so maybe just a poke in the eye with a sharp stick as a warning.

And what about me? All this criticism from the man who officially wrote the worst commercial Bartle Bogle Hegarty ever made. To be honest, if it wasn't for this damn shallowness I would have topped myself years ago.

MERCEDES-BENZ
Project: "No accident here"
Client: Simon Oldfield, national sales director
Brief: Consolidate and enhance perceptions of Mercedes-Benz as the
leading manufacturer of premium cars
Agency: Campbell Doyle Dye
Writer: Sean Doyle
Art director: Dave Dye
Typographer: Dave Wakefield
Photographer: Nadav Kander
Exposure: Jubilee Line at Waterloo Station
KIT KAT
Project: Kit Kat
Client: John Lambert, marketing manager
Brief: Inspire the UK to take more breaks with Kit Kat
Agency: J. Walter Thompson
Writer: Jonathan John
Art director: Nick Wooton
Director: Peter Cattaneo
Production company: Academy
Exposure: National TV
DAIRY CREST
Project: Utterly Butterly
Client: Richard Tolley, marketing director
Brief: Differentiate the brand emotionally and build consumer empathy
and loyalty
Agency: Grey London
Writer: Alex Fraser
Art director: Matt Turrell
Director: Nicholas Barker
Production company: Rogue Films
Exposure: National TV
BT
Project: 118 500
Client: Catherine Kehoe, head of marketing communications
Brief: Help people remember the number for BT's new directory enquiries
service is 118 500
Agency: St Luke's
Writer: Matt Jones
Art director: Vic Polkinghorne
Director: Lenard Dorpman
Production company: @radical.media
Exposure: National and satellite TV
UNITED AIRLINES
Project: United Airlines
Client: Mike Tunnicliffe, regional marketing manager
Brief: Advertise United's low fare to New York before and during the US
Open
Agency: Fallon
Writer: Simon Roseblade
Art director: Glen Gibbens
Typographer: n/s
Photographer: n/s
Exposure: National newspapers
TESCO
Project: Cherokee
Client: Ian Crook, head of brand communications
Brief: Show that Cherokee is high-street fashion at surprisingly low
prices Agency: Lowe
Writer: Gethin Stout
Art director: Simon Butler
Director: Jim Jenkins
Production company: Hungry Man
Exposure: National and satellite TV

This article was first published on Campaign