The Bensons are married to publicity

If you're a woman looking for a stable marriage, you probably shouldn't marry a professional athlete. If you're a man looking for a happy home, you probably shouldn't marry a stripper.

If you're a woman looking for a stable marriage, you probably shouldn't marry a professional athlete. If you're a man looking for a happy home, you probably shouldn't marry a stripper.

And if a professional athlete marries a stripper, it's a sure bet that they are both out to screw each other - one way or another.

The current leaders of the athlete-(ex) stripper sweepstakes are the Bensons, formerly the toast of the New York tabloids. Kris, a dour and mediocre pitcher, was traded in the off-season from the Mets, which play in the largest US media market, to the Baltimore Orioles, which play in the 24th-largest. Wife Anna, a low-grade sexpot who enjoys right-wing politics, posing for men's magazine covers, and long walks on the beach, immediately realized the problem this trade presented: There are no tabloids in Baltimore.

What to do? File for divorce. And when that story runs its two-day course? Reconcile! Hooray for three days in the spotlight!

Of course, we would never suggest that this unreconstructed media whore, represented by Barnum-esque agency 5W Public Relations, would use divorce as a PR stunt. But in Baltimore, any news is good news. Right?

 Ratings:
1. Clueless
2. Ill-advised
3. On the right track
4. Savvy
5. Ingenious

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