Halle Berry's 2002 Oscar acceptance speech lacked almost nothing.
Open-mouthed sobbing? Check. Hyperbolic self-aggrandizement? Check. Gratuitous Oprah suck-up? Check.
The one thing she forgot to bring to the stage that night was poise. Understandable, perhaps, given the gravity of the moment. But it's clear now she was saving it for the award show that really matters - the Razzies.
For anyone unfamiliar with the Razzies (or the Golden Raspberry Awards, as they are formally known and never called), they are the honors given annually for the worst in cinema. Think of them as the anti-Oscar.
Berry was honored on February 26 as 2004's worst actress for her leather-clad "performance" in Catwoman.
But unlike most Razzie winners, Berry was able to, literally, take hers home. That's because she had the guts, the humility, and most important, the good image sense to show up and poke a little fun at herself.
"Omigosh, oh my god," she pseudo-gushed. "I want to thank Warner Brothers for casting me in this piece of shit."
Of course, Berry wasn't the first actor to attend the awards show in person - she was simply the first good one. The last performer to do so was Tom Green, who picked up his worst actor statue in 2001 for his freakishly unfunny Freddy Got Fingered.
But unlike Green, Berry had the option of bringing an Oscar statuette with her, which she wisely did - a not-so-subtle reminder of her thespian cred.
"It's not like I ever aspired to be here, but thank you," she said, just like a normal, down-to-earth person.
Now if only somebody could explain this to Sean Penn....
3. On the right track